Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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