Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well you can't waste a boner
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I currently don't understand fingers.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
