Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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