Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
