Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
