Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
