We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
