Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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