Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
