Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
3 2 1 whiskey
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
