did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
