all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How does it feel to date your dad?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
