i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
