i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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