I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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