I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
