dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
