Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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