well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
