I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
