dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
