Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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