i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
