I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
