I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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