Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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