I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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