3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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