i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
