Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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