life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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