Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
tell me about the fingering
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