dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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