I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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