FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
