just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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