I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
