There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
