Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
