People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
