He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I am naked and annoyed.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize