i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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