She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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