Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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