Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize