I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
