My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
