Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
