please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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