we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
