dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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