If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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