By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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