Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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