Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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