Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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