My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
