Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize