I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
