I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
