can u get pink eye on your cock?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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